So I have finally taken the leap.....

June 5, 2009

Last night a dear friend made a suggestion that caused me to once again take pause, get 'in the moment', close off the cacophony of sound and interruptions, and seriously consider putting pen to paper (or keys to keyboard), and start writing. In saying this to me, she was actually referring to my daughter's blog, entries of which are being composed as she tours Tuscany on a whirlwind trip abroad... and my responses to her. My friend said:

"LOVE HER BLOG!!!!!

Maybe you two should do a book together!!! Like "Letters To and From My Mom (or Daughter)", yes that works for me!!!! Just as long as I get the first copy!!

I was reading some of your daughter's blog. Her humour, emotion, intelligence and personality just SHINE in what she writes. Your comments to her are WONDERFUL!!!!!

To have such a gift for writing, the both of you, is FANTASTIC!!! Not being a writer, in fact not especially liking "composition" I enjoy the both of you all the more."

So this morning, after sufficiently sleeping on it (or so I hope), I wrote back to my friend and then realized, upon completing it, that the time had, indeed, come, for me to bite the bullet, stop procrastinating, and start using this medium to say out loud, or perhaps in silence, what I need to say in an attempt to better understand who, in fact, I am.

So written below is my response to my friend which will now become my first blog entry..... and part of a new beginning as I mentally prepare myself for surgery and hopefully a better half to 2009.

Your message moved me a great deal - the bit about Kris and I writing together.... and therein lies a slight quandary. She is more private that I am - with me, I mean... and do I mention the accolades now, later...? I went to bed to sleep on it, but with a very full heart. Before doing so I actually went back to her site once again and re-read them ~ her comments and my responses.... dang, she is indeed an exceptional writer, and I do my best "work" (ramblings actually) with that first cup of java as each dawn arrives, kept company by the melodious conversations of numerous avian species outside my window....

... which got me thinking (or should I say, re-thinking), about something that has been turning over in my brain, now well-mulled, for many moons..... having a blog of my own...

My mother is a poet, and each of her brothers writers in their own right - my wonderful Uncles John, Ken and Bob... all the four siblings history and poli-sci buffs as well as being quite excellent in expressing the written word... funny, I have always felt I never quite 'made the grade' in our family (no doubt due to my own insecurities) ... until Melanie J - a lawyer involved in the movie transactions I was crunching just prior to retiring - told me on more than one occasion I should write a book..... she was from the Caymans, now living in Ba'dos, and became a dear friend. I would write to her my thoughts and feelings about Cuba, as well as life in general, and then along came Mary... rather, E.... who now keeps telling me the same thing.....

Back to my family - my cousin Irene (one of my Facebook friends) has a blog - a few of them in fact - one of which is linked in her profile and her writings are profound and thought invoking. She is my kid cuz - being all of 5 years younger - but those 5 years meant quite a bit when we were young... Yikes, not so anymore.....

.... so here I am, with a daughter who has a blog, and a cousin, and so much 'stuff' bursting to be set free.... so I am seriously contemplating this.

My Mom wrote her autobiography a number of years ago - as did Irene's Dad. I cherish both these writings. Prior to my father's passing we had been hounding him to do something of the same but he never got around to it - or rather, he had started but nothing more.....

I would like to be able to put "me" down somewhere to be remembered... yet in saying that I feel perhaps I am being somewhat arrogant and egotistical? That in doing so, I'm saying 'hey, look at how great I am'.... which is not something that comes naturally to me... in fact, quite the opposite. I may appear to be bigger than life with my outgoing personality but in the recesses of my soul, I'm quite shy actually.... and often not sure of myself.

Last night I watched the Rachel Maddow Show and I mention this because she had a clip of Michelle Obama, who this week was the guest speaker at Princeton University for their 2009 graduating class. She spoke of Sonia Sotomayor's nomination to the Supreme Court (Sotomayor was also a Princeton grad). A phrase captured my attention. She said (paraphrasing) that Sotomayor felt she always had to look over her shoulder to see if she had 'made the grade'. Michelle iterated that she fully understood as she felt the same..... Count me in girlfriend.....

So, on one hand I have you and Melanie (and a few others along life's path), saying I should write ~ that I may have something of value to say ~ and on the other hand I have this voice inside my head saying "surely not.... ".

I say none of this to seek reinforcement from you ~ rather I am just barring my soul. In effect, am I perhaps writing my first entry to my blog? Perhaps my ego does, indeed, want to leave something tangible behind.... and for me, writing is not so much something I strive to perfect, as an art form, per se; rather it is a means of straightening up a mass of very confused alphabet letters jammed into this poor brain of mine.... a means of finding some coherence while hopefully, at the same time, feeling I have been true to my soul and my spirit... that I have been able to capture my essence through the written word, so that others, who may be interested, will learn to know me.

Whether this blog will become a living and breathing entity this week, two months from now, or perhaps never is not something I know as yet... You know and understand me enough to realize I am like the sea ~ waves and neap tides seem to govern me.... I took a sabbatical for a few months, engrossing myself, instead, in politics where I could express my opinions in an anonymous forum.... while at the same time, dealing with a great deal of pain, and fear, regarding my hip. In essence I stepped outside of "me" and instead, emotionally committed myself to something 'not about me'. Well I am back, now, with a vengeance..... and with the sounds of the gospel hymn 'Oh Happy Day' still echoing in my head ~ I am embarking on what, to me is part need, part challenge, and perhaps something as intrinsically important to me as each breath that I take.... Is the gospel hymn a sign? Perhaps...... :)

.... So now that I have scribbled my thoughts this fine dawn morning, I am sitting here in contemplation ~ I just may create a blog.... that is if inspiration comes to me, rather than writer's block.....

And in so reading this, you, me, all of us ~ we have the answer.... 'Pixie Dust and Dragonflies - Ramblings and Muses' is now here to stay. And before you ask me how I decided on the name, I can only say it popped into my head on its own volition, and try as I did to dislodge it, it wouldn't leave...... it does have a 'ring' to it don't you think?

I will close by acknowledging the birthday of my favourite Golden Girl. Happy Birthday Sarah, and much love, always ~ Siempre!

Thanks for listening.